Trying to figure out what you want in life is never as easy as it sounds. In fact when you really have no idea what you want to do, it’s really hard.
Society brings with it a pressure to know. Determination. Hard work. Success. This all involves knowing where you want to go and how you want to get there.
Work hard. Don’t give up. But how do we know what to work hard towards? How do you figure out what you want? How do we know what we are striving for is what we really want?
And if we’re asking ourselves that – it’s more than likely we’re know happy with where we are right now.
So – what do you really want in life? That’s a question with many questions and answers that follow it. This are 3 simple steps on how to figure out what you want in life (that have really helped me!).
How To Figure Out What You Want In Life
How do you want to feel
The foundation of a good relationship with intentions & goals is keeping in mind that the primary aim of setting and working toward them is to feel the way you want to feel. – Danielle La Porte [note]Why I Gave Up Chasing Goals. Danielle La Porte http://www.daniellelaporte.com/desire-excerpt-goals/[/note]
When we seek a goal, it’s not really the goal we’re looking for. It’s how the goal will make us feel.[note] Figuring Out What You Really Want, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-choice/201601/figuring-out-what-you-really-want[/note].
When we seek a financial goal, it’s usually because it’ll help us feel secure.
Or maybe you dream to be self employed? Is that because you want to feel a sense of freedom? Or greater control over your life.
Either way. It’s different for everyone. But whatever the goal is, there’s definitely a feeling attached to it that you’re seeking.
This can also explain why you might be unhappy after reaching your goal. You might have everything you aimed for. But, the feelings you were looking for weren’t there. It didn’t give you what you were looking for. And that’s makes the goal irrelevant.
So one way to look at how to figure out what you want in life is to ask yourself how do you want to feel? In your workplace? At home? Then deciding what can give you that feeling.
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Change the questions you ask yourself
“What do you want?”, “What do you love?”, “What’s your passion?”.
All these questions and yet we’re all still confused as fuck!
So there’s a good chance the questions we’re asking aren’t giving us good enough answers (especially since the answer to most of those questions is usually “I don’t know”).
Quality questions create a quality life. – Tony Robbins
Robbins talks a lot about questions. Because it is questions encourage us to self reflect. It forces us to take the time to actually think.
“The genuine quality of life comes from consistent, quality questions,” says Robbins. If you ask yourself a great question, your mind will automatically focus on finding better answers and solutions. Conversely, “If you ask a terrible question, you’ll get a terrible answer,” he says. “Your mental computer is ever ready to serve you, and whatever question you give it, it will surely come up with an answer.” [note] Lesson #4 Quality Questions Create A Quality Life, http://www.evancarmichael.com/library/tony-robbins/Lesson-4-Quality-Questions-Create-a-Quality-Life.html[/note]
So what are quality questions? What questions will help us focus in on what we really want.
Robbins suggestions questions like[note] Lesson #4 Quality Questions Create A Quality Life, http://www.evancarmichael.com/library/tony-robbins/Lesson-4-Quality-Questions-Create-a-Quality-Life.html[/note]
- How do you really want to live?
- What gets you most excited?
- When do you feel stuck?
- What kind of person will you have to become in order to achieve all that you want?
Mark Manson also gives a great one. “What pain do you want to sustain”[note]What Do You Really Want? Mark Manson https://markmanson.net/question[/note]
We spend a lot of time dreaming about how we want our life. But we spend little time on the sacrifice it involves. And when we face that sacrifice, we hit a roadblock. Suddenly our goal no longer motivates us.
So what sacrifices are you willing to make? Being self employed means spending a lot of time on your own. It also means living with less cash for a while. That steady pay cheque is non existent.
If you feel like your dream is worth that. Then thats great! But if you feel like you can’t (which is completely okay). What other goals will help you achieve the feeling your looking for. Maybe it’s just a job with more flexibility?
Changing your questions takes time. And a lot of reminding. But it forces you to think outside the box. And maybe the answers will surprise you!
Do something
Passion is something we hear a lot about. We here a lot about the exceptions rather than the rule.
The child who picked up the brush at 4 and knew they were supposed to be a painter.
Or child that picked up the basketball and knew this was it. They wanted to be a basketball player.
So we’re sitting here in our 20s and 30s and we still haven’t had that moment. So we feel we’re doomed. We don’t have a passion. We’re not a child prodigy.
We never had that “this is it” moment.
So our goals end up reflecting what we think can achieve. Instead of what we actually want.
The “aha” moment isn’t the rule. It’s the exception.
Angela Duckworth hits the nail on the head in her book Grit.
…interests are not discovered through introspection. Instead, interests are triggered by interactions with the outside world. The process of interest discovery can be messy, serendipitous, and inefficient. This is because you can’t really predict with certainty what will capture your attention and what won’t…Without experimenting, you can’t figure out which interests will stick, and which won’t. – Angel Duckworth
Passion, things you enjoy, needs, wants, are all discovered by doing something. That’s how you learn and figure out what you want. But for some reason as we get older, we do less seeking and more pondering.
While questions are important. Without action, they’re a bit useless.
Here’s the truth: People who get what they want tend to be the ones who make the effort to know what they want. – Oprah [note] How To Figure Out What You Really Want In Life, http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-figure-out-what-you-want-in-life[/note].
Angela’s a good example. She is known for being the founder of the term “grit”. Angela has written a successful book on the topic. She also won a MacArthur Genius Fellowship in 2013 [note]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Duckworth[/note]. Sounds like she’s always had her shit together?
Before Angela realised what she loved to do most she was in consulting, at one of the best firms in America. After that, she left for a job she thought she would love more – teaching.
Here is where she started to realise her passion for what she later named “Grit”.
She went on to study psychology and here is she today.
So it’s fair to say her path wasn’t linear. But it was important. Her trial and error led her to where she wanted to be.
Her story goes to show it’s always worth doing something. Making the effort to learn by experimentation and not expecting it to be straight forward.
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So what questions do you have for yourself to help you figure out what you want? How do you want to feel? And what action are you going to start to get there? The more messy and experimental the journey, the closer we’ll all get to what we really want.
