What’s In This Episode
Arguing in relationships can be tough! But arguing in relationship constantly about the same thing can be even tougher! In this episode we discuss one simple thing we can do to improve our communication in our relationships.
This relationship advice can be applied to anyone arguing in relationships whether that argument is with a boyfriend, husband, wife, in a marriage or in a friendship.
This simple tip provides a healthy way to communicate effectively with our partners or friends.
This relationship communicate tip helps us to build relationship communication skills that couples can use when they find themselves having the same arguments about the same problems!
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Transcript
You’re now listening to the self-development collective a podcast in community full of inner work and self-development ideas to help us get unstuck and become the person we truly want to be Hi guys, and welcome to the self development collective.
So today we’re going to go through one simple thing that we can do to stop having the same arguments over and over with our partner.
So if you find that you’re going in circles and having the same argument about the same type of thing, or it’s coming down to the same thing, then this is a really interesting episode.
I want to share with you. One thing that I’ve learned when it comes to arguing about the same theme, I’m sure there’s lots of us that have that concern that we’re having the same types of arguments with our partners and we’re going in circles over and over again.
And it’s really frustrating because we feel like no matter what we do, we’re not being heard because obviously the discussion is around the same thing.
So I want to go through a story first something that helped me to realize one way that we can manage those consistent arguments that keep coming up.
So my husband and I, we can this consistent argument around money and he has his own business and he does really well, and he’s really good with his money and he definitely doesn’t like overspend or anything like that.
But he is riskier than I am when it comes to investing in himself and investing in the business. And he’s taught me so much about that.
So that’s been really interesting, but also really tough. So we were driving to the beach house and we were having a discussion about money.
And we recently invested in office because obviously the business was outgrowing the home office. So we invested in an office and, you know, there was lots of money coming out lots of things that he was spending.
And we’d had a discussion about him building a shed, which is obviously needed for his type of work. And we were in the car and we were having this really big argument about money again.
And the argument that I was saying was, you know, you just spend money so quickly, you have to do everything straight away.
And he was like, this is for work. It’s really important. But we just kept coming down to the same argument of how he spent money when it came to his work.
And me saying, why do you have to spend it? Why do you have to spend it now? So, and it got really heated.
It really escalated. And we went into this place of both of us, not speaking to each other, which sometimes I think in relationships, it’s really important to acknowledge that an argument or having an argument.
Sometimes it’s better to have a break in between to really sit with the hurt, really try and see what your partner’s trying to say.
And really try and understand their perspective. I think a break in between an argument or sometimes when you have that period where you’re not talking to each other can serve you.
I think it just depends. But for us it wasn’t serving us because we were still having the same argument, no matter how many breaks between those arguments, that no matter how many times you went into that place of not speaking to each other.
So I was sitting in the car and I was like, okay, we’re having this argument. And obviously there’s something here with it.
And that’s what I really started to understand whether the anxiety was actually stemming from his decisions or whether it was stemming from my own experiences and wounds.
And that’s something that’s really important to understand in a relationship because, you know, we can have genuine concerns and bring them forward and have arguments, but it’s also really easy for us to react from a place of experience as a place of fear, a place of our wounds, right?
So the question I really sat and asked myself was, is this my s**t? Or is this his and that was really good for me to reflect because then I started to understand why I was feeling so anxious and why I was constantly fueling these arguments around money because it wasn’t about his spending.
It was actually about the experiences that I’d had throughout my life of of my, my family and the money situation around there.
And I had a dad who ran a few businesses and tended to spend a lot would end up with nothing kind of in a bit of a routine where he’d spend and then have nothing in spend and have nothing.
And I was definitely getting triggered by my husband’s actions in the sense that it definitely reminded me of my dad, but the, obviously there was a big difference because my partner was doing it from all the like genuine places of business.
And he really like, he’s been in business for, for over five years. He, he has an idea of what he needs, what he does, and we’ve never had an issue with, you know, never had challenges with money.
It was more just my frustrations that these just seem to mimic so much of my past experience and really triggered the fears.
And again, the wounds that I had experienced throughout my life. So when I understood that it really shifted the argument because this is what happens when we speak from our wounds, we tend to speak when we’re like, we tend to be triggered when we speak.
So we will really get upset about their behavior and we’ll really focus on their behavior. So I just kept going on and on and on about his spending, but wasn’t really acknowledging the fact that I was highly anxious about it and really trying to understand where that anxiety stemmed from.
And once we’d had this big argument, I was really concerned because I was like, okay, we’ve had this argument. And he’s he’s thing was, we’ve had this argument a hundred times.
Why does it always come back to these? And I had to ask myself the same question. And again, going back to that thing of is this, is this my s**t?
Or is this his, or is it ours? And I think in this particular instance, especially when it comes around comes to money.
It was definitely my s**t. It was my wounds, it was my triggers. And without understanding that I couldn’t really approach the conversation in a way where I wasn’t triggered because I wasn’t aware of it.
So when I sat with it, I literally started thinking in the car like, okay, what is, what is this situation?
What is this argument? What does this behavior resembling? What experiences have I had that have led me to have this fear when we’ve had this argument, why am I again, why am I getting so anxious and worked up about the spending?
And, and where I put, I suppose, where has my childhood sort of where my childhood has, has have these reactions come up.
So it’s really about digging deep and asking yourself questions to understand has this behavior has this response that we’re having come up before.
And if it’s come up, when does it come up and really understanding where those programs or those subconscious beliefs have come from?
So once I was able to do that, this is a key thing that I that I want to talk about, which again, is talking about our wounds or talking from our wounds.
There, it’s a very different thing when we’re having an argument with a partner. So for example, in that situation, I was talking from my runes, not about them.
So I think this is a great thing to discover though, because in saying that it’s really important that we express, you know, why things are triggering us, how they’re triggering us and taking responsibility for the fact that we are triggered when we’re in situations, when we’re having the same argument over and over again.
And we’re starting to realize that the anxiety stems from outside of our partner’s behavior and perhaps, maybe it’s just what the behavior is triggering.
So that was definitely a learning curve. And I’m really excited to be talking about it today because I feel like this is such a big thing.
When it comes to relationships, it is really natural for us to respond from our wounds rather than talk about them.
So here is how may recognizing that this anxiety around money stemmed from quite a long history of having challenges with it, especially in my family.
I was able to approach the conversation with him and say, Hey, you know what, I’m really sorry. I actually don’t.
I actually don’t, I’m signing to understand that this isn’t your behavior. I’m not understanding that the behavior is triggering me because these are the experiences I’ve had.
And so I went in and explained you know, behaviors that my dad had and struggles my mom had and all the challenges that I saw coming up around money and spending money and spending lots of money and having businesses and really trying to get him to understand the vulnerability around those issues for me, and the fact that my anxiety was not a reflection of his behavior.
And it wasn’t because the thing is too, when we respond from our wounds, our, and again, from, and not talking about our wounds our partners tend to look at that and really feel like they’ve been attacked.
And I know my partner definitely felt attacked. He was really questioning why I was questioning his decision making. He felt like I had no faith in him.
I didn’t trust him. And there the concerns that are really foundational to a relationship, you know, it’s really important that we trust and support the other person in what they’re trying to do with their lives and the things they’re trying to achieve.
And he felt stifled by the fact that every time he went to spend money he felt questions. So when continued the conversation and I was able to turn around and say, Hey, listen, this is what’s happening in my past.
And this is why I’m responding this way. And it’s actually got nothing to do with you. It’s actually my own wounds, my own anxiety coming up.
And I recognize that now, and I’m really sorry. I trust your decision making. I know that you’re doing the best that you can, and I know that you have great skills and you’re doing amazing things, but I know that this is just triggering me and it’s, it’s it’s may speaking from my wounds.
So I’m really sorry about that. And I was able to work through it, and it was a really good moment for us to actually understand the challenges that both of us had had and how that was affecting the way that I was approaching the conversation and how that would lead to him getting defensive and feeling questioned and how that was affecting the relationship as well.
So this is why, again, I go back into talking about our wounds versus talking, talking from them. So when we talk from them, we’re usually triggered.
And we usually applying a situation to a behavior that doesn’t really exist. So for example, the money thing, that was not a concern, he was not overspending.
He was not doing the same thing that I had experienced in the past, in a sense like watching my dad spent all the money and have none left and watching my mom’s struggle.
Sometimes it’s the fear of a situation that looks like that, or it can also be the fear that the situation will turn into that.
So that was definitely both things for me. I was feeling anxious around both those situations, and I really had to work through that and get, and try and communicate it in a way that he understood that this was more my thing than it was his.
And so then what happens is when the anxiety comes up consistently, because obviously, you know, triggers like that from childhood and stuff can come up consistently, and they’re not always easily resolved, you know, in one conversation.
It helps us just to be able to communicate to them what’s happening with us. It helps us to take responsibility for our wounds and our behaviors, without them feeling responsible for them, or at fault for them.
And it helps us become more vulnerable and allow us to allow them in to help us with that vulnerability, to work through that anxiety with us.
So the next time we had a discussion about money and the things that we were spending, I was able to say to him, I’m really stressing about this, this and this.
And this is why. And again, it’s going back to what I’ve experienced and I’m really stressed that this is going to happen.
And it’s not a reflection of your behavior. It’s not a reflection of a lack of belief in you. It’s just the thing of this is really reminded me of experiences I’ve had.
And at the moment, my brain doesn’t know otherwise, right? Because we’re creatures of habit. And every time we fail, we are put into a situation that resembles another situation.
We think the outcome is going to be the same because our brain creates pathways, right. Creates shortcuts. And this is that whole thing of being triggered.
We feel as though we’re being put back into that situation even though we might not be, so this was really helpful in me learning how, again, to know when I’m responding from my wounds versus responding about them.
So talking to him from my wounds versus talking to him about them, when we’re able to talk to our partners about our wounds, it changes the shape of the argument, makes it more of a discussion, a communication, but also helps invite them into areas that we ourselves find scary to deal with by ourselves, right?
Talking about money. Anxiety was a huge challenge for me. And really involved me trying to understand why I was responding to him and it really involved taking responsibility for the challenges that I had and understanding how that was again, impacting the conversation and my response.
I suppose something to ask ourselves too, when we’re having an argument about something is whether we’re responding or whether we’re reacting.
And for me, I really understood that I was reacting in that conversation. I was reacting to the triggers that were surrounded, the things that will remind me of the challenges that I was having.
So if you’re having a consistent argument with your partner, the question is, are you speaking from your wounds or about your wounds?
Because usually if we’re having the same discussion and we’re feeling triggered in the same ways, and we’re feeling like they’re not listening, perhaps like for me, that was a sign that the conversation needed to shift that I was not acknowledging certain parts of the conversation or acknowledging certain feelings that were coming up.
And rather I was reacting from my anxiety rather than responding to it and saying, Hey, I’m actually feeling a little anxious right now.
And this is why, so always ask yourself if this is your sheet there, she’d all there’s in a, in a conversation because that will help us determine whether or not, again, we’re speaking about our wounds or from our wounds.
And sometimes too this is really helpful because sometimes the situation can be reversed, right? Sometimes he can be speaking to me from his wounds and I’m able to identify, identify sympathize with that and not personalize it because when we start to personalize responses to triggers, I think that’s a challenge that we have in, in communication as well, because then I feel attacked and I feel hurt, but I, when I understand that he’s speaking from his wound wounds and not about them, I feel less personalized by them now because I can look at him and be like, okay, I think this is something else like, this doesn’t sound like our s**t.
It doesn’t sound like mine. It sounds more like yours. How can we work through this together as a team? And it gives us an opportunity to do that, to work through things as a team.
So my question would be if you’re having a consistent argument with your partner, is it their s**t? Is it your s**t?
Is it both of your stuff? Is it actually related to the, the relationship or is it something that perhaps has happened outside of the relationship previous experiences, something there is triggering you that is, that is like pushing you to respond to react rather than to respond and to speak from your root wounds rather than about them.
And speaking about our wounds is scary, but really powerful because it gives us the opportunity to connect with our partner in a different way.
And it also gives us the opportunity for our partner to connect with us in a different way, and to help us provide that sense of safety that we might need when we’re feeling triggered.
You’d be surprise. When we talk about our wounds, how empathetic your partner can be, and that really happened with me, my partner really understood.
So the next time we had a discussion about money, he was really open because he understood that it wasn’t about me attacking him.
And I was able to approach him in a way where I felt more open and honest about where I was coming from a more aware of it.
So again, asking yourself, are you speaking about your wounds or from your wounds? Are you triggered? Is that perhaps an experience, is the situation, the argument, the thing that you’re arguing about encouraging a reaction rather than a response, is it related or does it resemble a past experience, a difficult past experience that you’ve had that then is linked to your couples, your partner’s behavior?
Because again, this just gives us the opportunity to self-reflect and really understand one another and assist one another in those anxieties, rather than just fueling each other’s anxieties and continue when we won the argument consistently and then getting into that place when we don’t connect.
And we don’t communicate because that’s a challenge in relationships it’s about consistently maintaining that balance. So I hope this episode helped you today.
I love the recording it, and I’m definitely gonna do more on the relationship front and the family relationship front, just because falling pregnant has definitely shifted my perspective on things.
And I think I’ve just placed a different level of importance on not only doing the inner work, but the outer work as well.
And that’s something that we’ll focus on in the membership as well. We won’t just be doing inner relationships. We’ll be focusing on outer relationships and talking about communication and attachment styles and things like this, just so that we can do the inner work to understand ourselves well, and then also do the outer work so that we can start communicating and relating to our partner and having richer, more meaningful, deeper relationships through that.
So thank you so much for being here today. And if you’re interested in the membership, don’t forget to join the wait list because once the membership opens, it will only be open for a couple of days and then we’ll close it until the next launch.
So thank you so much for being here. And I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. And as I always say, take what resonates leave with.
